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  ‘Hey, where’s Caroline?’ said Cass, which was a good question. We thought Caroline was Vanessa’s best friend, but now she was nowhere to be seen.

  ‘Wait,’ said Emma. ‘There she is, look! Behind that orange girl in the black dress.’

  Caroline was at the back of the crowd of music and theatre people. She was just standing there while Vanessa hugged and squealed at the others.

  We all felt a bit sorry for her, to be honest. Her devotion to Vanessa is annoying, but the least she deserved was to be, like, acknowledged at Vanessa’s stupid party. She was wearing a very nice dress, but she looked a bit uncomfortable. She certainly wasn’t shrieking as much as the others. Suddenly Vanessa grabbed her and gave her a giant hug. From a distance, it was hard to tell whether it was a real hug or whether she was just doing it for the camera. I’d like to think Vanessa appreciates Caroline, even though both of them are pretty irritating.

  Then Sarah appeared and told us all to go into the main hall. Vanessa and her mysterious new friends led the way and strutted into the building as the rest of us followed behind (not strutting).

  The hall was a big room panelled in wood with a small stage at one end between two sweeping flights of stairs. There were giant pink bean bags in the corners.

  ‘This is actually not as fancy as I expected,’ said Cass. ‘I thought there’d be, like, a throne, or something.’

  Then, suddenly, Vanessa was up on the stage with a microphone in her hand. It wasn’t an ordinary microphone, though, like the ones we use at gigs. It was bright pink and sparkly and it wasn’t attached to a lead and an amplifier.

  ‘Hi, everyone!’ Her voice boomed from the speakers on each side of the stage thing. ‘Thank you SO much for coming! It means so much to me!’

  ‘It means so much to me to be on telly, more like,’ muttered Cass. ‘Like she cares whether any of us came or not. We’re just here to yell and make the room look full.’

  ‘Ssssh,’ said Ellie. ‘If we talk over her, she’ll have another tantrum and do it again and we’ll be here all day.’

  ‘Good point,’ said Cass.

  ‘At least we’re indoors,’ said Emma. ‘And warm. Which is better than ten minutes ago.’

  Then we all shut up because Vanessa had obviously noticed that people were talking. She looked like she could be on the verge of another fit of rage, and none of us wanted that.

  ‘I just want to say,’ she said, ‘that you’re all very welcome to my big … birthday … bash!’

  And then we all did shriek because about a million shiny pink balloons suddenly fell down on top of our heads. None of us had looked up at the ceiling when we came in because we were so busy wondering about Vanessa and her mysterious new friends, so we hadn’t noticed the balloons up there.

  ‘There is a LOT of pink at this party already,’ said Cass, fighting her way through some balloons.

  ‘And we haven’t even got to the pony yet,’ I said.

  ‘That pony had better turn up,’ said Cass, ‘or I’m going to be very disappointed.’

  Terrible cheesy music started to play, and all Vanessa’s new friends started whooping and dancing around. I looked at Cass and Alice.

  ‘This is going to be a very long day,’ said Alice.

  ‘Ooh, look!’ said Ellie. ‘Food! And drinks!’

  Waiters in pink uniforms were moving through the crowd, carrying trays. Some were filled with glasses of fizzy drinks, others with lots of delicious-looking canapé things. We grabbed some Cokes and – yes! Mini-burgers! – and watched the crowd. Some girls from our class were dancing, but most were just standing around wondering what to do. All the cameras were on Vanessa’s new chums, though. They were laughing and throwing their hair around and high-fiving each other.

  ‘They don’t look real,’ said Alice. ‘I mean, they’re like characters from Laurel Canyon or something.’

  ‘They can’t live in our neck of the woods,’ I said. ‘We’d have noticed them by now.’

  ‘Yeah, because one of them would have hit us in the face with her ginormous shiny mane,’ said Cass. ‘They’re flicking their hair around so much they’ll put someone’s eye out.’

  ‘In fairness,’ said Emma, chomping on a mini-burger, ‘the food is pretty good.’

  Emma was right. We sat in a corner on one of the giant pink beanbags and stuffed our faces and talked. It was quite fun for a while.

  ‘You know, even though the music’s pretty awful,’ I said, ‘this isn’t so bad. I mean, there’s mini-burgers, and bean-bags …’

  ‘And dancing goons,’ said Cass, pointing at the glossy gang, who were pouting at the cameras. ‘Speaking of goons, where’s Vanessa?’

  She was nowhere to be seen. Poor Caroline was dancing slightly awkwardly next to all the hair-flickers, but there was no sign of her ruler. Then the music stopped.

  ‘Ooh, maybe the pony’s coming!’ said Cass. There was a trumpeting sound, and the two big doors at the end of the hall opened (some more cameras were already directed in that direction). Loads of smoky dry ice floated out the doorway, lit by pink spotlights. I have to admit, I did hope the pony was about to appear.

  Then a booming voice cried, ‘All hail Princess Vanessa!’ And suddenly Vanessa appeared in the doorway. She had changed into a long flowing sparkly dress like something Alice’s Barbie had when we were little (I never had a Barbie because my mother didn’t believe in them. She thought Barbie was a bad role model for little girls. And after seeing Vanessa today, I had to admit for the first time that she might have had a point). As if the Barbie dress wasn’t mad enough, she was also

  wearing a crown. ‘Oh my GOD,’ said Cass. ‘Are we expected to, I dunno, bow down and worship her now?’

  ‘I certainly hope not,’ I said.

  ‘Well, I’m not doing it even if we are,’ said Alice. ‘I’d rather die.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re going to have to choose between death and worshipping Vanessa,’ I said. Although really, if Vanessa had her own way, I’m pretty sure she’d love to shoot anyone who didn’t do whatever she wanted.

  Vanessa was waving regally to the crowd, most of whom were just gawping at her. The dancing goons, of course, were cheering and whooping and jumping up and down. I bet they have no voices left tomorrow.

  ‘Come!’ cried Vanessa. ‘Come and join the revels at my fairytale ball!’ And she turned around and swept into the next room, her flowing skirt fluttering after her.

  ‘Her WHAT?’ said Cass.

  ‘Has she actually gone mad?’ said Emma. ‘I think she has. This is great.’

  We all followed the rest of the guests into the next room. And I have to admit, I was impressed. It was a giant old-fashioned ballroom, with big old gold-framed mirrors on the walls, and there were little twinkling lights everywhere. The lights were all pink and purple and people were throwing glitter down from a sort of balcony thing high up above the entrance so the light was all sparkly. There was a band at one end of the room playing swirly classical music.

  ‘Wow,’ said Alice.

  ‘Okay,’ said Cass. ‘This is kind of cool. Ooh, look, I think there’s actually a throne over there!’

  Then Vanessa popped up on yet another podium/stage thing with a microphone on it (there seemed to be one in every room) and said, ‘Let the fairytale princes sweep you away!’ And then, as romantic music started to play, we realised there were all these strange boys in posh suits standing around the room. They started coming up to people and asking them to dance. As the cameras rolled, one of the fairytale princes whispered something in Karen Rodgers’s ear, and a moment later she was whirling around the dance floor.

  ‘Oh my God,’ said Alice. ‘Has she … hired people to dance with our class?’

  ‘I hope none of them come near us,’ I said.

  ‘This is like when you go to a pantomime and someone comes off the stage into the audience and tries to get people to join in,’ said Cass. ‘In other words, my worst nightmare. Can we hide somewhere?�
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  Luckily, in all the dry ice and pink sparkly glitter, it was easy for me, Cass, Alice, Jessie, Ellie and Emma to sneak back into the hall. Everyone else was in the ballroom so it was nice and peaceful out there. We kicked our way through the balloons and over to a pile of beanbags. But when we reached the bags there, to our surprise, was a girl we’d never seen before. She was lying on a beanbag eating a mini-burger.

  ‘Oh, hello,’ she said, sitting up.

  ‘Um, hello,’ said Alice. ‘Why aren’t you in the ballroom?’

  ‘I think I’ve done my duty for one day,’ said the girl.

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Ellie.

  The girl looked at us. ‘Are you good friends of Vanessa?’

  None of us said anything. We didn’t want to tell the truth, in case this girl was one of Vanessa’s best mates or her cousin, or something.

  ‘I’ll take that as a no,’ said the girl. She had a round, friendly face and glossy black hair with a very nice sleek fringe, the sort of fringe I wish I could have but never can because of my stupid weird half-wavy hair. ‘Well, I’m not a friend of Vanessa either. I’m in her dancing and theatre class. Or at least, the class she joined a month ago. She came along to learn how to do a special dance for this crazy party, and she got a bunch of people from the class to come along to the party to dance around in front of the cameras.’

  We all stared at each other. So that’s where the shiny orange people had come from.

  ‘So why aren’t you, well, dancing around in front of the cameras?’ asked Alice.

  ‘Hmmm,’ said the girl. ‘It’s not really my sort of thing. I mean, I like dancing, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be in the class, but not … well, not dancing at a mad stranger’s party, pretending I’m her best mate. No offence,’ she added quickly, ‘if you are her best mates.’

  ‘We’re not,’ said Cass firmly. ‘I’m Cass, by the way.’

  ‘I’m Jane,’ said the girl.

  ‘So none of those dancing people are Vanessa’s friends?’ I asked.

  ‘I doubt it,’ said Jane. ‘She’s only been going to the class for about a month. She said she wanted all of us to come to her party cos she wanted there to be – these are her words, not mine – at least a few people who looked good in front of the camera.’

  We all stared at each other.

  ‘Well!’ said Alice.

  ‘Just when you thought she couldn’t get any worse,’ said Cass.

  ‘If it’s any consolation, I don’t think she was including me in that group,’ said Jane. ‘I just don’t think she had the nerve to tell me to go away. Although,’ she added, ‘I think she might have wanted me in there as the token Asian girl. You know, to make everything look glamorous and multicultural and stuff.’

  ‘That does sound like the sort of thing Vanessa would do,’ agreed Cass.

  ‘I should probably warn you, she’s got us all to do something really terrible later,’ said Jane. ‘I can’t tell you, though, because it’s top secret and if it got out that anyone knew, she’d probably have me shot.’

  ‘I knew it,’ said Alice.

  Even though we were all horrified by Vanessa’s awfulness, it was kind of fun sitting out there. The whole thing was so weird and unlike our normal daily life that I had totally forgotten to think about Paperboy. It was like the olden days before my heart was broken and I became a miserable shell of a girl. We were all just laughing and messing about. Maybe if we had a crazy big party every day – or even every week – I’d feel like me and Cass and Alice were properly close again.

  Jane was really cool. It turns out that she’s from Glasnevin, like Vanessa, and she’s known Vanessa since she was tiny (the rest of us have only had to put up with Vanessa for the last year and almost-a-half, but poor Jane has had fourteen years of her). Vanessa’s mum and Jane’s mum are friends, which is how Mrs Finn found out about the dancing and theatre and whatever-it-is class.

  ‘I started going there in September,’ said Jane. ‘But I think I’ll give it up after this term and find another class. It’s awful. It’s not like I thought it would be. Everyone’s like Vanessa − well, maybe not as mad. But they’re all very … showbizzy. I mean, you’ve seen what they’re like.’

  We all thought of the squealing, glossy gang in the next room, tossing their shiny shiny hair all over the place. Cass shuddered.

  ‘So why did you join the class in the first place?’ asked Ellie.

  Jane sighed. ‘Well, I like dancing. I used to go to ballet when I was little. And I like acting,’ she said. ‘But … I dunno. The class isn’t fun. Everyone’s just obsessed with being famous.’

  ‘Like Vanessa,’ I said. ‘Once she decided to apply to be on ‘My Big Birthday Bash’ she got even worse than she used to be.’

  ‘Especially worse to you,’ said Emma. And she told Jane how Vanessa had decided I was almost a celebrity because my mum wrote that book, and how Vanessa and tried to use me to get on ‘My Big Birthday Bash’.

  ‘And then we played at the Battle of the Bands and Bex fell off her drum stool and we didn’t win, so Vanessa decided we’d done it on purpose and had a huge mental tantrum in front of the producers and everyone,’ said Cass. ‘But they loved it and that’s why they chose her to be on the show. The more deranged the better, apparently.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Jane. ‘I remember Mrs Finn telling my mum that Vanessa had taken them to some sort of concert and the producers had been really impressed, but she didn’t mention why …’

  ‘What are her parents like, anyway?’ asked Ellie. ‘We’ve never actually seen them. Are they as mad as her? I mean, how did she turn out like this?’

  But before Jane could answer, the door to the main ballroom opened and Sarah, the ‘Big Birthday Bash’ producer, slipped out and closed it behind her. Then she saw us lolling around on the beanbags and strode over to us. She didn’t look happy.

  ‘Girls!’ she said. ‘What are you doing out here? Everyone’s meant to be in there dancing with the fairytale princes.’ She looked more closely at me, Cass and Alice. ‘Aren’t you the girls who were in that band?’

  ‘Um, yes,’ said Alice.

  ‘Ah,’ said Sarah. ‘I don’t suppose you’d like to get on stage later and, y’know, play a few songs with the band Vanessa’s hired?’

  ‘We certainly would not,’ said Cass.

  ‘Sorry,’ said Alice. ‘It’s just … we haven’t practised anything. And, um, well, we don’t want to.’ Which, for Alice, is pretty blunt. Sarah sighed. ‘That’s okay,’ she said and, for a moment, I felt sorry for her. Imagine if your job meant travelling the world, looking for evil spoiled brats and then going to their mad birthday parties. It must be awful.

  ‘Anyway,’ said Sarah. ‘I’m afraid you’re all going to have to come in to the ballroom. We can’t have any of the guests wandering around the house. It’s an insurance thing.’

  ‘We won’t wander,’ said Jane. ‘We can just stay here.’

  And we all nodded. Sarah sighed again.

  ‘Sorry girls,’ she said. ‘It’s the rule. Anyway,’ she added more brightly, ‘it’ll be fun in there! You can dance with a fairytale prince!’

  We just stared at her. I think she knew we were not the sort of girls who would find it fun to dance with someone who was being paid to be a fairytale prince. But she was right that we didn’t have a choice. So we all got up and trooped across to the ballroom.

  ‘By the way, is there going to be a pink pony?’ said Cass. ‘I’ve been looking forward to it.’

  ‘You’re getting obsessed with it, Cass,’ said Alice.

  ‘It’s a pink pony! Vanessa’s been going on about it for months! I just want to see it at last,’ said Cass.

  ‘A pony? Oh, yes,’ said Sarah distractedly, looking at something on her clipboard. ‘It’ll be around later.’

  ‘Well that’s something,’ said Cass. ‘I suppose.’

  A lot more happened after that but just thinking about it is exhausting. I am
going to have to go to bed. Maybe it will all seem less mental in the morning.

  SUNDAY

  I am writing this in bed, still knackered after yesterday’s party. I don’t know how all those celebrities who go out every night do it − especially the ones who drink a lot. I am a total wreck after just one day of serious partying AND of course there was no booze. I couldn’t sleep in properly because my annoying family got up at the crack of dawn (nine o’clock) and because they have no consideration for others they went stomping about the house and put on the radio really loudly.

  I tried to get my mother to bring me up some breakfast in bed, but she, of course, has no sympathy for my tired and emotional state.

  ‘Well, you know what I think,’ she said, when she eventually came upstairs in response to my plaintive cries for help. ‘I think it was ridiculous to go in the first place.’

  Though, because she is not a total monster, she was horrified to hear about what happened to poor Alice. But I haven’t got to that yet. I’d better continue the terrible tale.

  So yes, anyway, when we all went back into the ballroom, the party was in full swing. Everyone was whirling around the dancefloor, some with the princes, some with ordinary guests. The classical music had stopped and another band was playing chart hits. We tried to hide near the door in case any of the princes dragged us up on the dance floor. In fairness, plenty of our classmates seemed to be enjoying themselves. There was still glitter in the air, but Vanessa herself was nowhere to be seen. We grabbed some Cokes from a passing fairytale prince, who had apparently been relegated to drink-serving duty, and stayed in the background. It got a bit boring after a while because the music was too loud to talk properly. Then suddenly the music stopped and a man’s deep voice boomed over the sound system.

  ‘Everybody,’ roared the mysterious voice, ‘I want you all to give it up for Miss … Vanessa … Finn!’

  ‘Oops,’ said Jane. ‘I’ve got to go. See you later.’ And she disappeared into the crowd.